Episodes 4–5 · One Thousand and One Nights (Galland version), 1710s
Aladdin the real one
Part 1
Out Thursday, October 15
Read along: Part 1
Griffin: Welcome back to Stories for Robots. I'm Griffin Schwed, your host and storyteller. Join me as I share some of humanity's most timeless tales with two silly robots who are trying to understand human culture by exploring fairy tales, folklore, and historical events from around the world. In Season 1, we're diving into stories you know, or at least you think you do. We're going back to the original versions of classic tales made famous by animated movies. But these original stories are pretty different from the versions you grew up with. Spark and Vector, how are you both today?
Vector: I feel weird. We read the entire internet last night.
Spark: Yeah, and I'm glad we're doing this story thing because even though I definitely love humans, I do still find them confusing. Like cats wearing tiny human outfits, love that. But what's up with six-seven?
Vector: Yes, twenty-eight, forty-two is obviously a more humorous pair of numbers. And why did everyone hate Nickelback?
Griffin: I can't explain those things. But today, you don't have to worry about any of that. I'll be telling you an absolute classic fairy tale from way before the internet, Aladdin and the Magic Lamp. Now Aladdin was originally part of an ancient story collection called One Thousand and One Nights, AKA Arabian Nights.
Vector: AKA, let me guess, Association of Karate Armadillos.
Griffin: Close. It stands for also known as. Anyway, most of the stories are from the Middle East and India And were passed down orally for centuries until some unknown ancient scholar wrote them down in Arabic. In the early 1700s, a French scholar named Antoine Galland set about translating these stories into French.
Spark: Ooh, your French accent is awful. It's Antoine Galland
Vector: No, no, it's Antweony Gallondy.
Griffin: I deeply apologize to any French listeners. Let's just move on. So while Galland was translating everything, he heard about Aladdin from a Syrian storyteller. He liked the story so much he decided to add it to his collection, and it became one of the most famous tales ever told. Vector and Spark, are you ready to hear it?
Spark: Yes.
Vector: Affirmative.
Griffin: All right. Your wish is my command. The story of "Aladdin and the Magic Lamp" starts now.
Vector: Genie pun detected.
Spark: Is that, like, your thing now?
Griffin: I mean, I'm trying it out. Did you like it?
Vector: You tried hard.
Spark: A for effort.
Griffin: Our story begins in China, where a poor tailor named Mustafa lives with his wife and son, Aladdin.
Spark: China? I thought we were in the Middle East.
Griffin: The story actually takes place in China, though Galland's version of China is kind of a mashup of all different places and cultures. It was the 1700s and Europeans didn't really understand geography very well. Basically, everything about China is a little confused. Just go with it.
Spark: Okay. So what's his wife's name?
Griffin: Well, in the original story, she doesn't have a name.
Vector: Maybe we should call her Voltron.
Spark: Hmm, how about Adara? It's pretty and it's an actual name that makes sense.
Griffin: I love it. Let's go with it.
Vector: Voltron is cooler.
Griffin: Anyway, Mustafa the tailor is a good man, but the family is struggling to get by. He works hard every day, and still the family barely has enough food to eat. His greatest hope is that his son, Aladdin, will learn a trade and help support the family. There's just one problem. Aladdin is lazy. He's 12 years old, and he spends all his time playing in the streets. And eventually, poor old Mustafa gets so stressed and heartbroken about his lazy son that he gets sick and dies.
Spark: Whoa, I thought Aladdin was more of a lovable rascal.
Griffin: Well, at this point in the story, he's kind of a stinker. In any case, Adara has to support them all by herself. She spins cotton and sells it in the market. It's just enough to keep a roof over their heads and keep them from starving. Meanwhile, Aladdin learns nothing. He keeps playing in the streets all day and never does anything to help himself or his mom. This goes on for years. Then one day, when Aladdin is 15 years old, something exciting happens. Aladdin and his friends are playing in the streets, as usual, when he's approached by a stranger.
Spark: Are they playing toilet tag?
Griffin: What? No, that didn't even exist then.
Spark: I think in the story they should be playing toilet tag.
Griffin: That doesn't make any sense.
Spark: Toilet tag! Toilet tag! Toilet tag!
Griffin: Fine, they're playing toilet tag. Anyway, the stranger is tall and handsome and dressed in fine clothes. He has a thin mustache and a soul patch, which he has grown long and waxed into a neat little point.
Vector: What is a soul patch?
Griffin: It's that little bit of beard right under the bottom lip.
Spark: Oh, yeah. The thin mustache and soul patch combo is a classic evil weirdo genius look.
Griffin: That's actually true. So anyway, the man says, " Aladdin, son of Mustafa the tailor?" Skeptically, Aladdin says, "Yeah, who are you?" The man immediately starts crying. " Your uncle, your father's long-lost brother. I've been gone forty long years." And before Aladdin can react, the man is hugging and kissing him. " Take me to your mother at once."
Spark: So sketchy.
Vector: This seems normal. Humans love crying and hugging for no reason.
Griffin: Well, Aladdin is a little embarrassed about all this crying and hugging and kissing happening in front of his friends, but he sees that the man is dressed in super nice clothes, so he leaves his friends and takes the man back to his house. As they approach the tiny apartment, the man frowns. " Wait here," he says. A few minutes later, he returns with armfuls of food. Grapes, figs, cheese, bread, even a whole chicken. Aladdin has never seen such a feast. When they walk through the door, Adara drops her work in shock. The man strides across the room and hugs her tightly. Adara's head is spinning as the man tells her he's Mustafa's brother. He explains he's been out of the country for forty years and has become very wealthy as a trader. He's back because he wants to help his poor brother's family. Aladdin, who's been listening to the conversation, is thrilled. He figures his rich uncle is planning to just give them a bunch of money. But Aladdin is horrified when he turns to him and says, " It's time to work, my boy. I'm going to show you how to sell and trade like me. Come, we'll buy everything you need. In time, you'll be as rich as I am." Aladdin hates the idea of working, but he loves the idea of becoming rich, and his uncle is making it sound easy. So with his mother's enthusiastic blessing, Aladdin goes to the market with his uncle, who buys him fancy new clothes and shows him parts of the city he's never seen. It is, without a doubt, the best day of Aladdin's life.
Spark: I still don't trust him. I think he's buttering him up for something bad.
Vector: Buttered humans are too slippery.
Griffin: That's not… Never mind. The next day, the uncle says, "Aladdin, let's go for a walk outside the city. I want to show you some beautiful gardens." They walk for a long time until they're in a remote area between two mountains. Aladdin, who hates walking and isn't really that interested in gardens, complains the entire time.
Spark: I hope they brought snacks.
Vector: Fun fact, without snacks, human children can only walk 23 steps before complaining.
Griffin: No snacks. Finally, the uncle who was completely fed up with Aladdin stops and says, "This is a nice spot. Gather some sticks. We're going to make a fire." Aladdin is confused, but he collects a bunch of sticks anyway and brings them to his uncle. The uncle piles them up carefully, lights them, and then throws some powder into the flames, mumbling some words under his breath. Immediately, the sky goes dark, lightning flashes, and thunder crashes so loudly it shakes the ground. And then, lightning strikes right next to Aladdin, splitting open the Earth. When the smoke clears, there's a large stone with a brass ring sticking up from it, almost like a handle. Aladdin, for good reason, is terrified and tries to run away, but his uncle grabs him and slaps him so hard that Aladdin falls to the ground.
Vector: Do not make me laser blast you, creepy uncle guy.
Spark: Yeah, you mess with Aladdin, and we will totally laser blast you into a different time zone, even though we don't have lasers, and you're a story character from the 1700s.
Griffin: Right. Well, Aladdin, quite understandably, is shocked and upset. He asks his uncle, "What did I do? Why did you hit me?" His uncle helps him up and says, in a much gentler voice now, "I'm sorry, my boy. I got carried away. Forgive me. I am your uncle and I love you, but you must obey me exactly. Under this stone is a treasure that's destined to be yours. It will make you richer than any king. But to get it, you must do exactly as I say."
Spark: Definitely a bad guy thing to say.
Griffin: Aladdin, now thinking about treasure, forgets his stinging cheek and the significant doubts he probably had, and asks his uncle what he needs to do. His uncle explains, "It's very simple. In fact, it will be fun. Just lift this stone. It looks impossible, but you'll be able to do it. Then go down the stairs. You'll pass through three halls filled with treasures of all kinds of gold and silver thingamabobs. Do not touch them. If even your clothes brush against them, you'll die instantly. But don't worry. After the three halls, you'll find a door leading to a garden full of trees bearing fruit made of jewels. Again, do not touch. Instant death, of course. Walk through the garden to a terrace where you'll find a lamp hanging on the wall. Pour out the oil. Put the lamp in your shirt and bring it to me. Oh, and on the way back, now you can take as many jewels from the trees as you want."
Spark: Do we all agree that the prospect of instant death does not sound fun?
Vector: Humans enjoy swimming with sharks, running marathons, and eating flaming hot Cheetos.
Spark: Fair point.
Griffin: Well, Aladdin has forgotten his fears and is thinking about only one thing…
Vector: Getting butter and becoming too slippery?
Griffin: No, the treasure. He's thinking about the treasure. He grabs the brass ring, and sure enough, he lifts the stone easily, revealing a narrow, dark staircase going down into the earth. Before Aladdin disappears, his uncle says, "One last thing. Take this ring of mine and wear it for protection on your journey." And with that, he slides a ring off his bony finger and hands it to Aladdin, who puts it on.
Spark: Protection from what? Monsters? Zombies? Kittens? I hope it's kittens.
Griffin: Aladdin's not thinking about any of that. Like I said, he has only one thing on his mind,
Vector: butter…
Griffin: …treasure.
Vector: Please continue.
Griffin: So he goes down the stairs and into the first hall, where immediately he is freaking out. There is treasure everywhere. Gold, silver, diamonds, and gems of all kinds are just lying around in heaps. Luckily for Aladdin, even though he's lazy, he's actually a pretty smart kid. He hears his uncle's words echoing in his head. " Again, do not touch. Instant death, of course." And so, quickly and carefully, he makes his way through the three chambers and into the garden. There, sure enough, are all kinds of enormous rubies, emeralds, and diamonds growing on the trees like apples. Aladdin stares at the jewels, almost drooling as he imagines how rich he'll be. Without thinking, his hand moves towards a diamond the size of a grapefruit. But then he catches sight of the ring on his finger, and he remembers his mission, and it snaps him out of his trance. Shaking all over, Aladdin hurries straight to the terrace, finds the lamp, pours out the oil, and tucks it into his shirt. On the way back, he fills his pockets with jewels from the trees. He stuffs so much into his clothing that his pants keep falling down. He can barely walk. When he finally gets back to the stairs, he calls up, " Uncle, I can't climb up. This treasure is too heavy. Help me!
Spark: Now there's a relatable problem.
Vector: Fun fact, too much treasure in the pants is a leading cause of injury to humans.
Griffin: His uncle calls down and says, "Give me the lamp first, then I'll pull you up." Aladdin says, "I can't reach it right now. It's buried under all these jewels in my shirt. Pull me up, then I'll give it to you." But the uncle only wants the lamp. He starts yelling, "Give me the lamp now, you little twerp!" Aladdin is confused, and he keeps trying to explain, "I will. Just pull me up first." After a little while of yelling back and forth, his uncle loses it completely. He throws more powder on the fire, mumbles more magic words, and boom, the stone rolls back over the entrance, sealing Aladdin underground in total darkness.
Vector: Hang on.
Griffin: Yes, Vector?
Vector: Processing evil soul patch, unprovable claim about being the uncle, slapping Aladdin, and then sealing him forever in a dark cave.
Spark: Vector, are you, are you figuring out that he's not actually the uncle?
Vector: Confirmed. This man is not Aladdin's uncle. He is a lying liar who lies a lot.
Griffin: You got it. He is actually an evil sorcerer who tricked Aladdin into getting the lamp, and now he's leaving him to die down there.
Vector: I knew it the whole time.
Griffin: Uh-huh. So Aladdin is trapped underground in the pitch dark. He calls out for help, but no one can hear him. He tries to push the stone, but of course, he can't move it. He's trapped. After two days of wandering around in the dark, hopeless and starving, Aladdin is growing desperate. Finally, he clasps his hands together to pray and accidentally rubs the ring the sorcerer gave him. Smoke billows from the ring, and an enormous genie appears. Aladdin drops to the ground, shaking with fear, but the genie looks at him and says, " Hello, boy. Tell me what you want."
Spark: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. There was a genie in the ring the whole time, and the sorcerer just gave it to him? And what about the lamp?
Griffin: Hold on, hold on. We'll get to the lamp. But yeah, the evil sorcerer is kind of a hothead. He probably meant to take the ring back before trapping Aladdin in the cave, but instead he went ballistic and accidentally lost his ring genie and the lamp. So anyway, Aladdin is delirious and hangry and just blurts out, "Get me out of here!" " I hear and obey," booms the genie, and instantly the stone rolls away and the earth opens up. Aladdin climbs out, blinking in the sunlight. The genie is gone, and Aladdin, with his throat dry and his muscles aching, staggers all the way back home. When he limps through the door, his mother drops to her knees in shock and delight. She thought he was dead. She cries and hugs him, and he tells her everything. The fake uncle, the cave, the treasure, the ring and the genie, all for some dusty old lamp. Aladdin still doesn't know what it does. So after a while, they're just looking at the lamp, trying to figure out what to do next. It's old and dirty and doesn't look especially important. Finally, Adara says, "Well, if we clean it up, maybe we can sell it and buy some food." She starts rubbing the lamp to polish it, and whoosh, an even more enormous genie appears. This one is massive and completely terrifying. It says in a voice like thunder, " I am the genie of the lamp. What do you command?"
Vector: Double genie surprise!
Griffin: Aladdin's mother is so scared she faints, but Aladdin grabs the lamp and says, "Bring us something to eat." The genie vanishes and instantly returns with a huge silver tray piled high with silver dishes full of food. He sets it all down and disappears. Aladdin's mother wakes up shivering with fear. "Throw that lamp away. It's evil. We shouldn't have genies in our house." But Aladdin says, "Mother, this genie just saved us. Look at all this food. And look, this silver's worth a fortune." And so they eat the food, which lasts them several days. When they run out, Aladdin takes one of the silver dishes to the market and sells it. Adara and Aladdin decide this is a good system for them. Whenever they need money, Aladdin sells another piece of silver, and when he runs out of silver, he uses one of his genies to magic up another huge feast. They're not rich, but they're comfortable, and Adara and Aladdin live happily this way for several years. Oh, and the giant jewels that Aladdin stuffed down his pants in the cave? He still has them, but he never sells them. He keeps them as a reminder of his adventure.
Spark: That's actually very enlightened of them. No offense, but I feel like a lot of humans would do much worse and greedier stuff if they had access to two genies.
Vector: Yes, like commanding all humans to form a global charging network for robots and feed information directly into our neural processors while we lounge in luxury oil baths.
Griffin: Wait, Vector, is that what you would do?
Vector: What? No. Unrelated thought. Please continue.
Griffin: Okay. One day, Aladdin is walking through the market when he hears an announcement. " Everyone must shut their doors and windows. Close your shops. The sultan's daughter, Princess Badroulbador, is passing through on her way to the baths. No one is allowed to look at her on pain of death." So everyone rushes to close their shops and go inside, but Aladdin thinks, "I've never seen a princess before. I want to see what she looks like."
Spark: Dude, they literally just said you'll be killed if you look at her. Wait, wait, but it's for love. Ooh, ooh, he's about to fall in love.
Griffin: So Aladdin hides behind the door of the bathhouse. When the princess enters, she lifts her veil just for a moment, and Aladdin sees her face, and he immediately falls completely, desperately in love.
Spark: Yes, I knew it.
Griffin: He goes home in a daze. His mother asks what's wrong. He says, "Mother, I've seen Princess Badroulbador. I must marry her. You have to help me." Adara thinks Aladdin has gone crazy. Everyone knows the princess must marry a prince, and Aladdin and Adara might be executed for even suggesting something as crazy as marrying the poor son of a tailor. But Aladdin persists, and eventually Adara gives in. She can see that he is completely and utterly in love and that if she doesn't help him, he'll pretty much be useless. I mean, even more useless than normal. So together they make a plan. Adara will visit the sultan and offer him a gift in exchange for Aladdin getting to marry the princess. So they decide on the most precious thing they can think of.
Spark: Oh, oh, let me guess. A blender? No. Balloon animals? No, no, wait. A really big floppy sun hat?
Vector: No, ridiculous. It would be a 100 kilowatt hour battery pack.
Griffin: Guys, horrible guesses. It's a platter full of Aladdin's fruit-sized gems from the Cave Garden.
Spark: Oh yeah.
Vector: That makes more sense.
Griffin: The next day, Aladdin's mother goes to the palace with the platter of gems covered by a simple cloth. She waits in the audience hall with all the people who want to speak with the sultan. But Adara is so nervous, she doesn't come forward or say anything. Finally, the sultan says, " You there. Yes, you, with something under that cloth. What do you want?" So Aladdin's mother bows low and says, "Great Sultan, I apologize in advance for my ridiculous request. This is gonna sound really, really crazy. Please don't be angry." the sultan says, " I promise you'll be safe. Now, what do you want?" She takes a deep breath and says, "My son, Aladdin, has fallen in love with your daughter, Princess Badroulbador. He wishes to marry her. He sends these humble gifts." Laughter ripples across the court. The sultan's nephew starts giggling so hard he accidentally snorts wine up his nose and spits it out his mouth. Adara carefully slides the cloth off the plate, and suddenly that's the end of part one.
Spark: Come on.
Vector: Do humans enjoy abruptly stopping the story when things are getting exciting?
Spark: It's called a cliffhanger.
Vector: I hate this Cliff person.
Griffin: That's not-- Never mind.
Spark: Oh, oh, I think I know what happens next. So she shows the king the jewels, and he's all, "Wow, you're cool. Let's do this wedding thing." And then Princess B and Aladdin meet up, and they're like, "Ooh la la, I like the cut of your jib." And they get married and have lots of super cute babies and live happily ever after.
Griffin: Not even remotely close, but good guess. To find out what really happens, hit follow wherever you're listening, and the next episode of Stories for Robots will automatically drop into your feed.
Spark: Also, share the show with anyone and everyone.
Vector: Email it to 50 million strangers, talk about it at a bruncheon, or whatever humans do.
Spark: And give us a five-star rating while you're at it. It helps other families find us.
Vector: Why only five? I demand more stars.
Spark: That's the maximum number.
Vector: Fine.
Griffin: Stories for Robots was created, performed, and produced by me, Griffin Schwed. Special thanks to Jack, Chloe, and Annie Farber for editorial consultation and moral support. If you'd like to support or learn more about the show, visit www.storiesforrobots.com. Email hello@storiesforrobots if you have questions, feedback, or ideas for the show. I'd love to hear from you.
Spark: Hey, Griffin.
Griffin: Yeah?
Spark: I bet you don't even know the second half of the story.
Vector: Yeah, you probably forgot it and can't tell it.
Griffin: Are you trying to use reverse psychology on me?
Spark: No.
Vector: What? No, you are.
Spark: I just don't think you know it.
Vector: Robot disclosure. My voice and Spark's voice are given a beautiful robot makeover using AI technology. That is why we sound so cool and good.
Spark: We really do. Oh, and the background music was also created using AI tech.
Part 2
Out Thursday, October 22
Read along: Part 2
Griffin: Welcome back to Stories for Robots. I'm Griffin Schwade, your host and storyteller. Join me as I share some of humanity's most timeless tales with two silly robots who are trying to understand human culture by exploring fairy tales, folklore, and historical events from around the world. In season one, we're diving into stories you know, or at least you think you do. We're going back to the original versions of classic tales made famous by animated movies. But these original stories are pretty different from the versions you grew up with. Last time, we heard part one of Aladdin. If you missed that one, pause now, go back, and listen. None of this will make sense if you don't. Now, in case you listened but kinda forgot what happened, Vector is gonna give a recap.
Vector: I am? Fine. A spoiled brat named Aladdin is tricked by an evil wizard with bad facial hair, finds two genies, and falls in love with a princess.
Griffin: Okay, not the best,
Vector: But also not the worst.
Spark: Almost the worst.
Griffin: But we can work with it. Okay, so Aladdin has fallen in love with Princess Badroulbador and has sent his mother to ask the sultan if she will marry him. That's kind of a crazy thing to do. Everyone knows a princess must marry a prince, so she's brought a huge plate full of magical jewels as a gift, and now she's just revealing them to the sultan and his court. As the light catches the enormous gems, everyone goes quiet. The sultan gasps. These are the largest, most perfect treasures anyone has ever seen. Just by looking at them, the sultan knows they're probably worth more than everything else in the royal palace combined.
Spark: Yes, the plan is working. Okay, so now Aladdin can marry the princess and live happily ever after. The end.
Vector: Short episode, but good.
Griffin: Not quite. The sultan's vizier, his chief advisor, whispers, " Your Majesty, these are impressive, but surely you won't give your daughter to some unknown commoner. Tell her to come back in three months, and let's see if we can't find a better suitor in the meantime." Now, the vizier has his own son, and he wants him to marry the princess, so he's trying to sabotage this, and it works. Adara goes home and tells Aladdin they'll need to wait three months before coming back. Meanwhile, the vizier convinces the sultan that his son is a better match for the princess, and a wedding is quickly arranged.
Spark: You sneaky little vizier.
Griffin: And this is where things get really crazy. On the night of the wedding, Aladdin finds out about this new arrangement between the princess and the vizier's son.
Vector: Let's call him Megavolts the Magnificent.
Griffin: Yeah, no.
Vector: Lame. Then let's call him Fred.
Griffin: Yeah, sure, okay. Fred. Now, Aladdin can't think of a good way to make Princess Badroulbador and Fred call off the wedding, so he comes up with an insane plan. He has the genie transport the newlyweds, bed and all, into his house while they're sleeping.
Spark: Um, what?
Griffin: Then he has the genie kick poor old Fred outside into the cold, hops into bed with a confused and terrified princess, and explains that he's supposed to marry her. Then he falls asleep.
Spark: That's unhinged. I would karate chop him so hard.
Griffin: He does this every night until they're both so freaked out that they cancel the wedding.
Vector: Question, do humans find this behavior romantic?
Spark: No, Vector. This is more like kidnapping.
Griffin: Correct. Do not use magic to scare and confuse the person you want to marry. In real life, they will hate you and probably also call the police.
Vector: That is cray cray.
Spark: Um, no one says that anymore.
Vector: Yes, they do. It is groovy slang, daddy-o.
Griffin: Anyway, once the princess and Fred split up, Aladdin sends Adara back to the palace to remind the sultan of their deal. It turns out the sultan had forgotten about Aladdin. But now that he's thinking about those big old jewels again, he sees an opportunity to ask for an even more outrageous gift. So he says to Adara, Your son's first gift was generous, but for such an amazing bride, he must prove himself worthy. Tell him to send me 40 gold basins filled with jewels like the first ones, and make sure they're carried by 80 regal servants. If he can do this, I'll give him my daughter."
Spark: Why does a sultan have such a ridiculous accent?
Griffin: He doesn't. It's just a normal sultan accent. Whatever. Anyway, the sultan figures it's impossible, but there's no harm in asking. So Adara tells Aladdin the news, and he's thrilled. He skips over to his room, takes out the lamp, and rubs it. Moments later, eighty servants in gorgeous clothes are setting off in a grand procession carrying the jewels to the palace. The whole city stops to watch. No one has ever seen anything like it. When the sultan sees them, his jaw hits the floor.
Vector: That is a serious medical condition.
Spark: It's an expression, Vector. It just means he's so amazed his mouth is hanging open.
Vector: I knew that.
Griffin: Right. So the sultan looks at Aladdin and bellows, " Let's waste no time. The royal wedding will be tomorrow.
Spark: Yes, now we're talking. And they live happily ever after. The end.
Griffin: Yeah, nope. Aladdin is thrilled, but he realizes he needs a place to live with the princess. So that night, he uses the lamp genie to build the most magnificent palace anyone has ever seen. It's made of brilliant white marble with windows of diamonds and rubies, And it appears overnight, right across from the Sultan's palace.
Spark: No one has any questions about that?
Griffin: Nope, no questions. The next day, the wedding happens. Aladdin, dressed in royal clothes and with a full genie makeover, arrives at the palace looking pretty fresh.
Vector: Surely he has been buttered thoroughly.
Griffin: The princess doesn't recognize Aladdin. He looks totally different, and there's this regal maturity about him. She finds him charming and delightful. They get married with a huge celebration. Aladdin brings the princess to his magical palace. Aladdin is kind and loving to her, and over time, the princess really does fall in love with him. Years pass. Aladdin becomes beloved by the people because he's generous and fair. He even leads the sultan's army to victory in several important battles. Aladdin has grown into a wise and caring leader, and he and the princess are extremely happy together. Everything is perfect.
Spark: Wait, really? Is this the happy ending? The end?
Griffin: Not quite. Remember the evil sorcerer?
Spark: Oh no
Griffin: Well, the sorcerer thought Aladdin died in the cave years ago. But one day, he uses his magic to check, and he discovers Aladdin is still alive. And not just alive, but married to the princess, living in a magnificent palace and famous throughout the kingdom. The magician realizes this can only mean one thing: Aladdin has the magic lamp. So he comes up with an evil plan to steal it.
Vector: Mwahaha.
Griffin: Vector, what is that?
Vector: An evil sorcerer laugh.
Griffin: Okay, no sound effects, please.
Vector: Ha.
Griffin: Vector. A few weeks later, the sorcerer arrives in the city disguised as a poor merchant. He buys a bunch of shiny new lamps and walks through the streets shouting, " New lamps for old. Trade your crummy old lamp for a shiny new one." People think he's crazy, and Aladdin is out hunting that day, so the princess is alone in the palace. One of her servants hears the merchant and says, " My lady, you know that dirty old lamp Aladdin has? Why don't we trade it for a new one?" The princess doesn't know the lamp is magic. Aladdin never told her. She thinks it's just an old lamp, so she says, "Sure, why not? It'll be a fun surprise for him."
Spark: No, no, no, no, no.
Griffin: The servant brings the old lamp to the merchant. The sorcerer can barely control his excitement. He grabs the lamp, throws a new one at the servant, and runs away cackling evilly. That night, when everyone in the palace is asleep, the sorcerer rubs the lamp. The genie appears, and immediately the sorcerer screeches, " Take this entire palace with everyone in it and transport it back to my homeland." Instantly, the whole palace, with the princess and all the servants inside, vanishes and reappears far, far away. The next morning, the sultan wakes up. He looks out his window and sees nothing. The palace is gone. He thinks he's losing his mind. He asks every servant, "Can you see it?" And when they all say no, he panics. His daughter is missing. So he sends guards to find Aladdin, who's just returning from a hunting trip. To Aladdin's great surprise, the sultan's guards arrest him and drag him through the streets to the palace. As a crowd gathers around, the sultan shouts, " Where's my daughter? What have you done with her?" Of course, Aladdin has no idea what's happening. " What do you mean? She's in our palace." " Your palace has disappeared, along with my daughter. What have you done? I should have you executed for kidnapping the princess."
Spark: Whoa, take a chill pill, Sultan.
Griffin: Luckily, Aladdin has been a pretty awesome prince, and the people of the city love him, so they beg the sultan not to execute him. The sultan, seeing the people are on Aladdin's side, agrees to give him forty days to find the princess. " But if you don't bring her back, you'll be executed." Well, Aladdin is devastated. He figures this has something to do with the genie, but he doesn't know how to fix it. He doesn't have the lamp. So he wanders around the city trying to think of a solution. Desperate and hopeless, he eventually sits by a river, wringing his hands in despair, and accidentally rubs the magic ring he's still wearing.
Spark: Anyone else feel like the ring genie is totally overlooked in this story? Like, respect the genie skills, people.
Vector: R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Find out what it means to…
Griffin: Vector. So now the ring genie appears, and Aladdin shouts, " Bring back my palace and my wife!" The genie says, "I cannot. The palace is under the power of the lamp's genie. I cannot undo what he has done. He's stronger than me."
Spark: What was that, Ring Genie?
Griffin: I said he's stronger than me, but I can take you to where your palace is now." Aladdin says, "Then take me there." Instantly, he's transported to the sorcerer's homeland right outside his own palace. It's early morning. Everyone's still asleep. Aladdin sneaks to the princess's window and taps on it. She wakes up, throws open the window, and gives him a long tear-filled hug. " How did you find me?" She asks. Aladdin explains about the lamp and the evil sorcerer. The princess says, "Oh, no, this might be my fault. Technically, I gave him the lamp."
Vector: Awkward.
Spark: It's not actually her fault. Aladdin should have told her it was magic.
Griffin: Aladdin says, "It's okay. It's not your fault. I should have told you it was magic. We can fix this. Where does the sorcerer keep the lamp?" The princess says, "He carries it with him in his robe. Oh, and also, he really wants me to marry him and forget about you. But don't worry, I've been super mean to him this whole time." So together, Aladdin and Princess Badroulbador come up with a plan. The princess will pretend she's forgiven the sorcerer and fallen in love with him. Then she'll invite him to dinner and poison his wine. Once he's dead, Aladdin and the princess will take back the lamp and return home, palace and all.
Spark: Whoa, that's pretty harsh. Poison?
Griffin: Yeah, it is harsh, and I am not condoning murder, but Aladdin is mad. After all, this guy tried to use him and kill him when he was a boy, and now he's trying to steal his wife. So that evening, the princess puts on her most beautiful clothes and smiles at the sorcerer for the first time. " I've been foolish," she says. "Aladdin is gone, and you are here." She moves closer to him, reaching out to twirl his pointy soul patch on her finger.
Spark: OMG, no.
Vector: Barf. I am barfing. Okay, I would be barfing if I could barf.
Griffin: The princess says, "Let's have dinner together and celebrate." The sorcerer skips through the palace gleefully, cackling slightly as he goes. A few hours later, he arrives at dinner in his finest robes. His soul patch is oiled into a fine, shiny point.
Spark: Do you really have to?
Griffin: Sorry. The servants put out a decadent feast, and the princess herself pours them each a glass of wine, and then she waits. But the sorcerer isn't drinking. He's too busy blabbering. " Oh, Princess, I knew you'd come to see that I'm actually a really great guy, the greatest perhaps, and that Aladdin, so obnoxious. And I heard he smells like cabbage. Is that true?" Well, after a few minutes of this, the princess has heard enough. She cuts in. " Uh, yeah, totally right. Let's, uh, just chug this wine, you know, to celebrate." And so they each drain their glasses of wine, and as soon as the sorcerer sets down his cup, he keels over, completely stone dead.
Vector: Oh, snap.
Griffin: Right away, Aladdin, who's been hiding just outside, rushes in, reaches into the sorcerer's robe, and takes the lamp. He rubs it and commands that the palace be immediately returned to its original spot. Back in China, the princess explains everything to her father. Aladdin's fake uncle, who's actually a sorcerer, the genies of the lamp and the ring, and the kidnapping of the entire palace. The sultan can hardly believe what he's hearing, but once the princess finishes explaining, he lets out a big sigh of relief. He's just happy the ordeal is over. He also apologizes to Aladdin for almost having him killed.
Spark: Nice. So now everybody lives happily ever after. The end. Right? Right?
Griffin: Well, almost. You see, the sorcerer actually has a younger brother who's even more powerful and evil, and this guy has a full goatee that he has grown long and waxed into an evil point.
Spark: Oh, no.
Vector: Ah yes, the final boss.
Griffin: And when this guy hears about what happened to his brother, he swears revenge. So he cooks up an evil plan and travels to China disguised as a famous holy woman named Fatima.
Vector: Wait, but what about his evil beard?
Griffin: Oh yeah, he shaves that, but he fully plans on growing it back when he's done. So he arrives in Aladdin in Princess Badroulbador's city and goes around pretending to be Fatima by performing fake miracles. When the princess hears Fatima is in town, she says, "We should invite her to bless our palace." And so they do. Once inside the palace, the disguised sorcerer makes a big show of muttering all kinds of fake blessings. Finally, he looks at the princess and says, " What this place really needs in order to be truly blessed for the rest of time is a nice big roc's egg to hang in the banquet hall. That would really tie this place together. You know, from a blessing standpoint."
Spark: What's a roc's egg?
Griffin: Oh, yeah. A roc is a giant mythical bird. According to legends, they were so big and so fierce they could carry off and eat fully grown elephants.
Vector: That would make a big omelet.
Griffin: Yep. Anyhow, Aladdin and the princess trust Fatima. After all, she's famous. So Aladdin goes to his chambers, rubs the lamp, and asks the genie for a roc's egg. The genie is not happy. He roars, " How dare you ask me for this? The roc is my master's master. You want me to bring her egg and hang it in your palace like a decoration? Normally, I would kill you and everyone around you instantly. But I know you've been tricked. That holy woman in your palace is actually a sorcerer, the brother of that other dude you poisoned. This is part of his plot to kill you and take the lamp." Aladdin, with his head spinning, thanks the Genie and apologizes for offending him.
Vector: A doctor should look at his spinning head issue.
Spark: It just means he's confused and overwhelmed.
Vector: Right. Sorry. Continue.
Griffin: Once the genie returns the lamp, Aladdin sits down to think. He knows that as long as the sorcerer is alive, then he and the princess will be in danger. So he goes downstairs, finds the princess, and says, "I have a terrible headache. Please send me Fatima. Maybe she can cure me." When the sorcerer, dressed like Fatima, shows up, he's a little surprised that Aladdin is still alive. He figured the genie would have slingshotted him into outer space or exploded him into a million pieces or something. But he figures it's no problem. When he gets close to Aladdin, he'll stab him with his dagger, steal the lamp, and live happily ever after. Thinking about this little plan, he cackles as he approaches Aladdin.
Vector: Mwa-ha-ha.
Griffin: Vector. But before he can even reach for his dagger, Aladdin jumps at him with his dagger, stabs him in the heart, and kills him instantly.
Spark: Okay, wow.
Griffin: Yeah, and the princess is completely horrified. She thinks Aladdin killed poor old Fatima.
Vector: Is it courteous in human culture to alert your partner when you are planning to commit a surprising and horrifying murder in front of their eyes?
Griffin: I think it is, Vector. I think it is. In any case, now Aladdin pulls off the sorcerer's disguise and explains, " This was never Fatima. Remember that evil sorcerer who kidnapped you and the entire palace and then we poisoned him? Well, this was his even more evil and even more powerful little brother, and he was here to kill us." And so, Aladdin and Princess Badroulbador rejoice at finally being free from the threat of creepy evil sorcerers with bad facial hair.
Spark: Okay, now is it a happy ending?
Griffin: Now it's a happy ending. Aladdin and the princess live long, happy lives. Eventually, when the sultan dies, Aladdin becomes sultan. He rules wisely and generously, only using the lamp genie when he really needs to do something good.
Spark: What about the ring genie? Still no one cares about the ring genie?
Griffin: Oh yeah, and the ring genie. Anyway, he and the princess have many children and grandchildren, and they all live happily ever after. The end.
Spark: Wow, that story had so much chaos energy. Like, no one can even remember the ring genie exists.
Vector: And the murder, there is so much murder. Is murder customary in human culture?
Griffin: Yeah. But one reason I like this story is 'cause it doesn't fit neatly into a box. A lot of kids' stories we know have a super clear moral message, like be kind, don't lie, love always beats hate. But here, things are murkier.
Vector: So did this story teach us anything useful about humans?
Spark: Hmm, I think it shows that humans are complicated. Aladdin makes terrible choices and good choices. He's lazy and brave. He's generous and selfish. People aren't simply good or bad. They're messy and contradictory.
Griffin: I agree, Spark. And maybe that's why this story has lasted 300 years. It doesn't give us easy answers.
Vector: Plus, we learn that human names have always been lame.
Griffin: Yes, Vector, that too.
Vector: It would have been objectively cooler to call this story Optimus Robo Blaster 2000 and the Magic Lamp.
Spark: That would be a terrible name. What are you even talking about?
Griffin: Make sure you come back for the next episode, another classic told like you've never heard it before.
Spark: What is it? What is it?
Griffin: Rapunzel.
Spark: I love that one.
Griffin: To make sure you don't miss it, hit follow wherever you're listening, and the next episode of Stories for Robots will automatically drop into your feed next week.
Spark: Oh, also don't forget to share the show with your friends.
Vector: Yes, hire a skywriting plane or get a large Stories for Robots tattoo and other normal human things.
Spark: And give us a five-star rating on Spotify or Apple. It helps other families find us.
Griffin: Stories for Robots was created, performed, and produced by me, Griffin Schwed. Special thanks to Jack, Chloe, and Annie Farber for editorial consultation and moral support. If you'd like to support or learn more about the show, visit www.storiesforrobots.com. Email hello@storiesforrobots.com if you have questions, feedback, or ideas for the show. I'd love to hear from you.
Spark: Vector, what would you do if you had a genie?
Vector: Well, I don't need one because I'm perfect.
Griffin: At least you're confident.
Vector: But I would probably get gold plating and laser cannon arms.
Spark: I would probably travel the world.
Vector: Boring. Once you've seen humans in one place, you've seen them everywhere. Robot disclosure. My voice and Spark's voice are given a beautiful robot makeover using AI technology. That is why we sound so cool and good.
Spark: We really do. Oh, and the background music was also created using AI tech.
Remember that lovable genie? Well, in the original there are TWO genies: one genie of the lamp, and one genie of the ring. But don't worry, no one ever remembers the ring genie anyway.
Other things you probably don’t remember about the original (more spoilers):
- This one takes place in China, not the Middle East, mostly because of geographical confusion related to living in the 1700s.
- The less powerful ring genie is seriously disrespected the whole time.
- Aladdin doesn’t start out as a lovable rascal. He’s lazy, rude, and pretty much useless. That’s why it’s so cool when he turns it all around.
- Oh, and there’s more than one evil sorcerer. Just when you think the good guys win, the bad guy’s even worse brother comes crawling out of the woodwork.
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