Cinderella the real one

Griffin: Welcome back to Stories for Robots. I'm Griffin Schwed, your host and storyteller. Join me as I share some of humanity's most timeless tales with two curious and silly robots who are trying to understand human culture by exploring fairy tales, folklore, and historical events from around the world. In season one, we're diving into stories you definitely know, or at least you think you do. We're going back to the original versions of classic tales made famous by animated movies. But these original stories are pretty different from the versions you grew up with. My two robot friends have no idea what's coming, and honestly, you probably don't either. Spark, Vector, how are you doing today?

Vector: Beep, beep, beep, boop, beep.

Griffin: Vector, what is that?

Vector: I just told you about my day in robot language. I wish you could understand robot because I am hilarious.

Griffin: Really? What did you say?

Spark: He actually just called you a big smelly fart.

Vector: Like I said, it was hilarious.

Spark: It was pretty funny.

Griffin: Spark, you're supposed to be the mature one.

Spark: Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. It just seems like farts are an important part of human culture.

Griffin: Farts are not part of human culture. Enough about farts. I'm here to tell the story of Cinderella. Can we start already?

Spark: Yes.

Griffin: Vector, do not play fart sounds.

Vector: Sorry.

Griffin: Vector! Okay, here we go. Everyone just focus. You're about to hear the story of Cinderella, the original tale about a lovable underdog.

Vector: What is an underdog? Wait, I can guess. Logically, it is a human who gets smooshed under an enormous dog.

Griffin: That's, uh, no, that's not it at all. It's a story where the hero is unlikely to succeed. And although this story wasn't always called Cinderella, it's been told thousands of times in cultures all around the world for over 2,000 years. But the version I'm gonna tell you is inspired mostly by Aschenputtel, which is just the German name for Cinderella. It was written in 1857 by two brothers, Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm, also known as the Brothers Grimm, who are pretty much the undisputed kings of writing weird and freaky fairy tales.

Spark: Okay, let's get freaky.

Vector: Yes, let's freak it up like freaky freaks.

Spark: But not too freaky though. I don't like being scared.

Griffin: Don't worry, Spark. I think you're gonna love it. Now let's see if the shoe fits with the story of Cinderella.

Vector: Footwear pun detected.

Griffin: Really? You had to play a cricket sound? Anyway, our story begins with a young mother who is very sick. As she's dying, she calls her daughter to her bedside and says, " My dear child, always be good and kind, and I will look down on you from heaven and watch over you." And then she dies.

Spark: Okay, we're like five seconds into the story, and it's already very sad.

Griffin: Yeah, but stay strong. I promise it's worth it. So the girl is heartbroken. Every day, she goes to her mother's grave and cries, but her heart is pure, and she remains good and kind to everyone she meets, just like she promised. Months go by, and her father, who is very rich, decides to remarry, and his new wife has two daughters of her own.

Vector: Ah, her replacement mother and sisters have arrived.

Spark: That's not how it works for humans. It's called a stepmother and stepsisters.

Griffin: Exactly. Now, the two stepsisters are beautiful on the outside.

Spark: Oh, oh, let me guess. But super-duper pretty on the inside.

Griffin: Yeah, no, the opposite. They are really mean. Mostly because they're jealous of the girl's beauty. Not only is she poised and kind and intelligent, she's breathtakingly gorgeous. So the first thing they do is take away her nice clothes and dress her in an old gray smock and wooden shoes.

Vector: Finally, some practical fashion.

Griffin: Right. Plus, they make her do all the hard work in the house. She cooks, she cleans, she hauls heavy water buckets up from the well. She does everything and basically never stops working.

Spark: Quick question.

Griffin: Yeah?

Spark: Where is her dad? Why isn't he stopping this?

Griffin: Okay, great question, and one that the story completely ignores. The dad is just sort of around, doing nothing.

Spark: That checks out.

Vector: Typical.

Griffin: Hey. Anyway, the stepsisters are so mean, they don't even let the girl have a bed. She has to sleep on the hard stone floor by the fireplace. And because of that, she's always covered in soot and ash, which is why the stepsisters give her a cruel nickname.

Spark: Oh, oh, let me guess. Mr. Potato Head. No, Spanky. Wait. Oh, boy. That's why they call her Cinderella?

Griffin: Mm-hmm.

Spark: That is so rude.

Vector: It is accurate and therefore a good name.

Griffin: Well, the truth is Cinderella doesn't really mind. She kinda makes it her thing. She owns it.

Spark: Total boss move.

Griffin: Yep. And Cinderella is actually better than the first nickname they had for her, which was Cinderwench.

Spark: Hmm, that has less of a ring to it.

Griffin: Does not roll off the tongue. Anyway, one day, the useless father is going to a fair, and he asks the three girls what they'd like him to bring back. The greedy stepsisters chime in first. Without hesitation, the first one says, " Beautiful dresses." The second says, "Pearls and jewels." Cinderella pauses for a long moment, closing her eyes. Finally, she says, "Father, just break off the first twig that brushes against your hat on the way home.

Spark: Oh, great. She lost her mind.

Vector: A short story, but a nice story. Thanks for telling it.

Griffin: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Just listen. Her father is totally confused, but he does what each girl asks. When he returns, he gives the stepsisters their treasure, and he hands Cinderella a little twig from a hazel tree. He had almost forgotten, but this twig had whacked him in the head, knocking his hat off as he was riding home. Thanking her father, Cinderella takes the twig and plants it on her mother's grave. Then she weeps, the way she always does when she's thinking about her mother, and her tears water the twig. And the twig very quickly grows into a majestic tree.

Vector: By my calculation that would require roughly two hundred and three million tears over five years.

Spark: This is clearly magic, Vector.

Griffin: Yeah, it is. And that's not all. One day, Cinderella realizes something amazing. Whenever she stands beneath the tree and wishes for something, a little white bird appears and tosses down whatever she wished for.

Spark: So this is like her fairy godbird?

Griffin: Yeah, exactly. Her fairy godbird.

Vector: Can it be a pigeon?

Griffin: Okay, sure.

Spark: And can her name be Marge?

Griffin: Okay.

Spark: Oh, oh, and instead of just tossing stuff down with her beak, every time Cinderella makes a wish, Marge lays a magic egg that drops down and cracks, and then whatever she wished for pops out.

Griffin: Okay, got it. So Marge, the fairy godpigeon, lays magic eggs that contain anything Cinderella wishes for.

Vector: And when the eggs hit the ground, it makes a fart sound?

Griffin: Absolutely not. It makes a regular sound. Can we continue the story now?

Spark: Fine.

Vector: Fine.

Griffin: Okay. So just after Cinderella discovers Marge the fairy godpigeon and her magical eggs, the king announces a great festival that will last three whole days. Every young woman in the kingdom is invited because the prince is looking for a bride. The way it works is that in the evening of each day of the festival, there will be an enormous ball where the prince will dance with the young ladies of the kingdom to try and find a bride.

Vector: Question, what kind of enormous ball are we talking about? Like a beach ball or… I'm confused.

Spark: He means like a dance party ball, not a bouncy ball, Vector.

Griffin: Yeah, a ball is like a huge party with dancing.

Vector: I knew that.

Griffin: Mm-hmm. Anyway, everyone in the kingdom wants to go. This is the coolest party anyone has ever heard of. Plus, if you're a girl, there's a chance to become the princess. Not surprisingly, the stepsisters are freaking out, they're so excited. And because they're horrible, they make Cinderella wash and iron their dresses, polish their shoes, and do their hair. Even though Cinderella doesn't like being bossed around, she's such a kind-hearted person that she's happy to help her stepsisters. She's also really talented, so by the time she's done getting them ready, they both look amazing. There's just one problem. Cinderella also really wants to go to the ball, so she begs her stepmother, "Please, stepmother, can't I go? I won't be any bother." But of course, the wicked stepmother does not want that to happen. She knows Cinderella is too beautiful, not to mention smart and kind and charming. Her daughters won't have a chance if Cinderella is there, so she hatches an evil and totally random plan. As Cinderella watches, she grabs a big bowl of lentils, dumps them into the ashes of the fireplace, and says, " sort out these lentils. You have to pick them out of the ashes and separate the whole ones from the bits and pieces. If you can do that in less than an hour, you can come."

Vector: Calculating, I would estimate a large bowl contains sixty-seven thousand and eighty-nine lentils. An average human with their lame hands and inferior processing capabilities would take twenty-seven point five hours of continuous sorting. This task is impossible.

Spark: That's so mean. And also, who has that many lentils just lying around? This lady has problems.

Griffin: She does. That's too many lentils. And also, she's totally evil. But anyway, the stepmother leaves with a nasty smirk on her face. She knows Cinderella will fail. But as soon as she's gone, Cinderella calls out the window, " Come little birds, help me sort the good lentils from the bad and put them in the bowl." And a whole flock of birds flies in through the window and starts sorting the lentils faster than you can imagine. They easily finish in under an hour.

Vector: Is Marge the fairy god pigeon there?

Griffin: Strangely enough, no. These are different birds.

Spark: That's kind of weird, but fine.

Griffin: Yeah, for some reason Cinderella is like totally the bird queen. They absolutely love her. And with the job done, Cinderella calls out to the stepmother to show her what she's done. But when she arrives, the stepmother scowls and dumps out two bowls of lentils and says, "Do it again. This time you have thirty minutes." So again, Cinderella calls to the birds. This time an even bigger flock arrives and gets the sorting done in just a few minutes. When Cinderella calls her stepmother back into the room, she's astonished to see all the lentils perfectly sorted. At this point, she knows her evil trick is not going to work. As far as she's concerned, Cinderella must be the greatest lentil sorter the world has ever known. So, glancing at the clock, she switches her tactics. "Hmm, well you still can't come. You have nothing to wear, your hair is dirty, and you don't even know how to dance. People would laugh at you. Anyway, my, look at the time. It's getting late. We need to go. Goodbye." And with that, she grabs her daughters by their wrists, rushes out, and slams the door behind them.

Spark: Rude. And where's the dad in all this?

Griffin: Oh yeah, don't forget. He's totally useless.

Vector: He is probably busy picking his nose. Humans enjoy this pastime.

Griffin: Normally I'd say you're wrong, but in this case, you might be right. This guy totally might be a nose picker. But moving on, as soon as the stepmother and stepsisters are gone, Cinderella runs to the hazel tree and says, shake and shiver, little tree, throw gold and silver down on me." And right away, Marge, the fairy god pigeon, lays a magical egg. Vector, the eggs do not make fart sounds when they fall.

Vector: That actually wasn't me.

Spark: Sorry, I had to do it!

Griffin: Spark, we already went over this. You're supposed to be the mature one. Anyway, when the eggs break open, out pops a gorgeous silver and gold dress and slippers embroidered with silk and silver.

Spark: Oh yeah, she's gonna slay.

Griffin: Yes, she is. And by the way, she does know how to dance. So she puts on clothes, brushes her hair, and heads to the ball. She looks amazing. She looks so amazing that nobody recognizes her. The crowd falls silent when she walks in, and people whisper excitedly when she walks by. Everyone assumes she's some foreign princess. Of course, the prince notices her right away. He comes over, introduces himself, and invites her to dance. He's so charmed by Cinderella that he doesn't speak or dance with anyone else. He and Cinderella spend the whole night together, dancing and laughing and really getting to know each other. Cinderella is having the best night of her life, but deep down she's nervous. She's worried that the prince might not love her if he knows who she really is, and she's worried about what her stepmother and stepsisters might do if they realize it's her. They could lock her in her room. So even though the prince is desperate to know who she is, she decides to keep her identity a secret. She never tells him. Well, after hours and hours of dancing, Cinderella is tired. Finally, she tells the prince she wants to go home. Although he's sad that the night is over, he offers to walk her home. First, because he's a gentleman, and second, because he figures if he finds out where she lives, he can figure out who she is. But Cinderella's too clever for all that. She slips away from him and hides, and by the time her family gets home, she's back in her ashy rags by the fireplace like nothing happened. " I've just been here the whole time in my ashy rags, definitely not dancing at the ball. Uh, how, how was it anyway?" Cinderella asks the stepsisters. They gush and rave about the beautiful foreign princess who stole the show, and then they turn on their heels and leave Cinderella to sleep on the stone floor. Well, the next evening, Cinderella does the same thing. This time, Marge the fairy god pigeon drops a new dress even more beautiful than the last. Cinderella goes to the ball, blows everyone away, dances with the prince all night, and then slips away at the last minute. But on the third night, the prince has a plan. He's smeared the whole staircase with super sticky black tar.

Spark: That's his plan? Get the beautiful princess stuck on the stairs with tar?

Vector: It would be more efficient to trap her with a cage made of lasers or a swarm of robot drones.

Griffin: Well, I think he was working with what he had, and he's getting desperate. This is the last night of the festival, and he still has no idea who she is. Anyway, his crazy plan kinda sorta works. The tar doesn't stop Cinderella, but it does pull off her left slipper as she dashes down the stairs. She keeps running and escapes, but now the prince at least has her tiny, beautiful slipper. It's so small he knows it's unlikely to fit anyone but the woman of his dreams.

Spark: The glass slipper!

Griffin: Ooh, yeah. That's actually from an even earlier version of the story. In this version, it's gold, but same idea. He's got one shoe and no girl. So the prince announces, "I will only marry the woman whose foot fits in this slipper." So he goes house to house, eventually arriving at Cinderella's home. While the stepmother tells Cinderella to stay in her ashy quarters, the two stepsisters greet the prince eagerly. The prince hands the slipper to the first stepsister, and she goes into another room to try it on, but her big toe is just a little too big. It won't fit. So the wicked stepmother says, "Hmm, you don't really need that toe. Besides, when you're queen, you won't need to walk anywhere anyway." The stepsister pauses for a moment, decides her mother is right, and she pops her toe right off.

Spark: Um, she just pops her toe off? Can humans do that? Doesn't that hurt?

Griffin: Probably, but she does it and walks proudly back into the room. The prince takes one look at her, and before he can even realize that this is totally not the same girl whose eyes he's been staring into for three nights in a row, he sweeps her off her feet, puts her on his horse, and begins riding towards his castle.

Spark: Come on, dude.

Griffin: Yes. This is not the prince's finest work. But luckily, he has to ride past the hazel tree on the way home, and sitting in that tree is Marge, the fairy godpigeon, and another bird.

Vector: Billy.

Griffin: What?

Vector: Let's call him Billy.

Griffin: Okay, fine. Marge the fairy god pigeon and Billy call out, " Silly you, look in that shoe. It's way too tight, cause this bride's not right." So the prince asks the stepsister to remove the shoe, and he sees what she's done to her toe. Disappointed and a little freaked out, he brings her home. And when he gets there, the second stepsister tries the same shenanigans. Her foot is ever so slightly too big, so she just shaves a bit off her heel.

Spark: She just shaves it right off?

Griffin: She just shaves it right off. Then she walks back out into the room, and the prince, having learned absolutely nothing from the insane thing that happened moments before, sweeps her off her feet, puts her on his horse, and rides off towards the palace. Luckily, Marge and Billy are still hanging around and once again call out, "Silly you, look in the shoe. It's way too tight 'cause this bride's not right." The prince is shocked. He can't believe he's been tricked again.

Spark: Well, that's on you, buddy. I'm starting to think he might not be the brightest crayon in the box.

Vector: Yes, he would be the worst color, like manatee or asparagus.

Griffin: Hey, I like manatee.

Vector: Lame.

Griffin: So anyway, the prince brings stepsister number two back and asks, " Don't you have any other daughters?" He turns to the father and says, "You, I thought you had another daughter. Do you not?" And the useless father says, "Who, who me? I I, well, there's Cinderella, but she couldn't possibly be the girl you're after."

Vector: He is not just useless, he is also a terrible person.

Spark: Hey, that's what I was gonna say. Weird when we're on the same page.

Griffin: It is weird, but you're both right. Anyway, the useless and terrible dad has said as much as he can think of, so the wicked stepmother jumps in and says, "No, Cinderella's just a dirty little kitchen girl, and she's all deformed. There's no way she's the one." But the prince, to his credit, insists on seeing her. So Cinderella washes her hands and face, comes out, and tries on the slipper. Of course, it slides on perfectly.

Spark: Yes. In your faces, evil family.

Vector: You go, girl!

Griffin: The prince, learning from his mistakes, looks deeply into her eyes. In an instant, he knows it's the beautiful girl from the festival. With his hands holding hers, he whispers, "You are my one true bride. Come, let's get away from this miserable place." Cinderella agrees, and he sweeps her off her feet onto his horse and past the hazel tree. As they thunder by, Marge and Billy call out, " You're finally right. That shoe's not tight. You blew it twice, but your third try's nice." " That… seems a little rude," thought the prince as they galloped towards the palace.

Spark: Serves you right, you big dummy. But I love you anyway. The end, right? Now they live happily ever after?

Griffin: Almost. In just a few days, Cinderella and the prince have a fabulous wedding. And because Cinderella is pretty much the nicest person ever, she invites her family, even though they are clearly evil and horrible. And sensing an opportunity to get rich by pretending to like Cinderella, the two stepsisters actually show up.

Spark: They've got a lot of nerve, those two.

Griffin: Big nerve. But as they walk into the wedding, Marge and Billy swoop down and…

Spark: And what?

Griffin: Well, let's just say that afterwards, the stepsisters can't see anymore.

Vector: Oh my goodness, the birds poop in their eyes.

Griffin: What? Uh, well, in the original story, the birds peck out their eyes. But let's go with your version. The birds poop in their eyes so much that they become blind.

Spark: Go Marge and Billy! The ultimate revenge.

Griffin: Yeah, it sure is. And so, Cinderella and the prince live happily ever after. The end.

Spark: Whoa, really?

Vector: That is awesome.

Spark: I love that one. Quick question though, what's up with all the birds in this story?

Griffin: Back in the old days, birds were considered a symbol for things that are heavenly.

Vector: I get it. So good humans can talk to magical birds, and bad humans get poop in their eyes.

Griffin: You got it, Vector. Good job.

Spark: Don't encourage him.

Griffin: Come back for the next episode where you'll hear the real story of Aladdin and his magic lamp. This one is wild. Did you know there are actually two genies? Plus teleporting castles, baseball-sized jewels, and some extremely evil magicians.

Spark: With terrible facial hair.

Vector: All evil magicians have to have bad facial hair. It's the law.

Griffin: To make sure you don't miss it, hit follow wherever you're listening, and the next episode of Stories for Robots will automatically drop into your feed next week.

Spark: Yeah, and don't forget to share the show with your friends.

Vector: Yes, post about it in your Reddit community for bowling nerds, or knit a Stories for Robots tapestry for your local community center, or other normal human means of sharing.

Spark: And give us a five-star rating on Spotify or Apple. It helps other families find us.

Griffin: Stories for Robots was created, performed, and produced by me, Griffin Schwed. Special thanks to Jack, Chloe, and Annie Farber for editorial consultation and moral support. If you'd like to support or learn more about the show, visit www.storiesforrobots.com. Email hello@storiesforrobots.com if you have any questions, feedback, or ideas for the show. I'd love to hear from you.

Spark: Vector, did you ever have a nickname?

Vector: Of course, many robots call me Dr. McCool the Fabulous.

Griffin: How come that sounds like a lie?

Spark: Yeah.

Vector: It's not. That's just what they call me. Also Metallicus the Brave.

Spark: Name one person or robot who calls you that.

Vector: Easy Spanky, Flipper, Casper Milky, Pothole, Juniper… Robot disclosure. My voice and Spark's voice are given a beautiful robot makeover using AI technology. That is why we sound so cool and good.

Spark: We really do. Oh, and the background music was also created using AI tech.